Week 7: She's growing up so quickly

We survived our first full week with David back at work! The week went very well, with the exception of Monday's emotional breakdown. It started with work requests of my time. I don't think that the folks at the university got the memo that I'm on maternity leave. I did what was needed and then, already frustrated, headed out to DC to take care of some stuff for my medical license. Flash forward almost 2 hours later, I'm lost, trying not to let the volcano of emotions that I'm feeling erupt in the car because, despite our extended trip, my little one was still asleep and I didn't want to wake and upset her. So I cried silently, despising the District of Columbia and its insane street lay-out. Little mommy didn't get fussy until we were about 5 minutes away from the house. Thank you Jesus! Unfortunately, all of that suppressed rage got my mind going and I fought being in a funk all day. I found myself questioning why I lived out here, wishing I was back in either California or Louisiana, where streets don't change names and then change back within blocks of each other. I questioned myself as a mom, wondering why I didn't Google map the location again before leaving so that I knew what the building looked like, thereby allowing me to stay within the 1 1/2 hour window that I had given her breastfeeding schedule. I even let issues between my husband and I creep into my head. As I battled all of this stuff in my mind and intermittently wept throughout the day, I kept looking at her and being reminded that this was all just such small stuff compared to spending time with her. I realized that I shouldn't waste it moping around the house because of insensitive people or a jacked up city lay-out. I kept my internal turmoil to myself when David got home, although I couldn't hide the occasional tears that came as I battled with myself. Later on, I thought about how challenging last Monday was compared to this week and actually laughed at myself for being so upset. I can see now that last week prepared me for this week. I didn't even think about this being my first full week with the baby until this moment. Reflecting on last week also made me think about my life in general and how things have never come easily for me. I'm not saying that to complain but to appreciate that I would not have a testimony without the many tests that I've gone through. Each test that God has put in my path has prepared me for the next challenge and made me stronger. From being raised in a single parent household with a teenage mom and surviving some pretty significant life events to successfully completing medical school and getting married and having a family has been quite a journey. Each and every obstacle along the way was put in place to strengthen me and to help me prepare for the next phase. Of course, I don't have this epiphany in the middle of it (hence the tears this Monday) but I can usually get there once I've pushed through the situation. Talking to my cousin (thank you Draeh) and my Sands (thank you Jacquie) really helped me understand that these emotional roller coaster rides are still part of the post-partum experience. Again, so not prepared! No one mentioned anything about the "Fourth Trimester" in medical school! The other realization that I had this week is that my little one is growing up so fast. I can't believe that she is almost 2 months old. As I sit in bed watching her sleep, it gives me pause to see how quickly she's growing, both in size and in development. She now fits the full length of her bassinet, which is amazing because when we first brought her home, she looked like she was floating in it because she was so tiny. Now her little legs bend in her rocker/sleeper when just a few weeks ago it looked like the rocker was swallowing her up. I cried a little this morning to realize that I no longer need to support her little head to breastfeed on the breastfeeding pillow, her first sign of independence I guess, and that her little body now extends the full length of the pillow. Of course, she gave me reason to laugh in the middle of my moment as she pulled away from my breast like she had just finished the best milkshake she ever had, with this big gummy grin with both of her hands raised in the air as if she just signaled a touchdown. Developmentally, she is advancing so quickly. I am certain that all parents believe that their child is the smartest most advanced child to ever be born. I see it every day and never question parents who tell me that their child said his or her first word at 4 months or that their child started walking at 7 months. I usually just chuckle to myself and go on with the visit. However, I am convinced that this child is brilliant! She's the only baby I've heard of who attempted to milk her mommy when the milk hadn't come in yet. She literally pulled back on the nipple while pressing my breast with both hands. It would have been funny had I not been so upset about my empty boobies. Each week she has done something else that makes me wonder if she's been here before. At 2 weeks, she started shimmying down my chest and shifting her weight to either side in order to fall in the fold of my arm when I would put her on my shoulder to be burped. I know it sounds crazy-so I had my husband videotape it just in case our pediatrician gave me the look that I usually give my parents when they tell me outlandish developmental tales! This week, instead of crying when she's awake and hungry, she just looks at my chest, then back up at me, and starts making her breastfeeding requests in grunts and grins. I have found myself negotiating with her when I need to delay her feedings, either to give her medicine or because it's too early. She gives me the funniest look-a raised left eyebrow, which has historically been my signature look, when her request has been denied. Yesterday, while she was sleeping next to me, I looked down and her little legs were crossed over each other and her hand was up at her forehead,like she was a big girl recovering from a stressful day. I almost laughed out loud to see such a little person in such a big person pose. She is just too funny! She's also more expressive, developing more ways to express herself. Now she makes this little noise, "Aya" when I am away from her or she's trying to get my attention, at least that's what I think she's doing. Let me tell it, the child is already ready for flashcards and sign language lessons! Appreciating the changes that I am seeing makes me so happy that I have this time to spend with her and already makes me sad about having to go back to work. I keep reminding myself that I still have over two months, but, seeing how quickly the first two have passed, that's not a whole lot of time. On that note, I think I'll stop as the thought of leaving her is bringing me to tears.