A week of thanks

It's almost 6 am and I just finished breastfeeding. I couldn't really go back to sleep so I decided to write. Perhaps it's the fact that, despite AAP recommendations, I have Amara lieing next to me and her little jerks and conversations in her sleep prevent me from doing so or it could be that the thoughts racing in my mind over the past week are driving me to stay awake. As I sit here in her nursery (someone might as well use it since she spends all of her time in our room), I am reflecting back on the last week and, although I am very thankful that it was a shortened week, I have enjoyed the challenges and great moments each day brought. Amara and I enjoyed our first walk together, we celebrated her first Thanksgiving, and we also suffered through her first experience with overstimulation. Taking her on her first walk brought new perspective to something as simple as strolling around the neighborhood. I experienced it in a completely different way. The garbage truck driving by seemed louder, the brick-paved sidewalk seemed bumpier, and the air seemed more crisp. I found myself narrating our walk as if it was some amazing journey through an undiscovered land, describing everything that we heard and saw, trying to imagine what was being seen, smelled, felt, and heard from her perspective. I had not previously experienced such a simple walk in such vivid detail and felt like she and I were the only folks on the street, that was of course until Little Missy snapped me back into reality by letting me know that she had had enough of my talking by grunting for me to be quiet. I chuckled as I headed back home while she enjoyed a cat nap-peaking up at me every couple of minutes, realizing that, for her the experience was probably something completely different, not this deeply educational sensory-engaging experience, but a simple walk to relax her mind. Later I realized that it must have been a little more than relaxing as she refused to go down for a nap afterwards and was up for the rest of the day. Thanksgiving was an interesting experience. We were invited over to our friends' home to celebrate the holiday and gladly accepted as cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner was not a very practical use of my time, even though I gave it serious consideration. I was excited to spend time with good friends and enjoy delicious food (they can really throw down in the kitchen) but I was also hesitant, worrying about things I not previously given consideration to, like how many people would be there, would anyone have a cold, and what do I do if folks want to hold or touch her. After all, she is only 6 weeks old! Is it too soon to take her out to someone else's home? What happens if she gets cranky? What do I do if she can't handle all of the stimulation? How do I keep her on her current schedule? Oh goodness-will I have to breastfeed in a crowded room? Despite having a breastfeeding cover, it still stressed me out. I didn't want to say no, not wanting to turn down delicious food and not wanting to disappoint David, as he is the social one of the family, but at the same time considering Amara's needs and how the evening could possibly impact her. What a struggle going on inside my head! I decided to go for it and we had a great time, despite my concerns about the overstimulation she was experiencing and how we were going to pay the price later. I had a feeling that it was going to be rough as she breastfed for an unusually long period while we were there, which is what she sometimes does when she's stressed out. When we got home she could not go to sleep! A combination of walking, rocking, singing, and sitting in the dark for three hours and she finally fell asleep near 1 AM, which is so not what I wanted to happen. As we sat in the dark, waiting for her little eyes to finally close, I thought about what it must have been like for her to experience all of those new sights, sounds, and smells. New faces leaning in to see her; new hands touching her; new voices greeting her must have been a lot to deal with for such a little person. The television blaring with the game on, children running around, yelling and playing video games, loud voices reacting to the football game, and the delicious aromas coming from the kitchen were likely triggering all kinds of brain activity. I questioned my choice in going over to someone's home so early in her little life. Did I make the best decision for her or did I let other considerations supercede my maturing maternal instincts. I also though about my own challenges in quieting my brain after a hectic or stressful day (hence writing at 6 AM when I am already sleep-deprived). When I was a little girl I used to have to envision black space and following a white light through the space to keep me from thinking too much and allowing my mind to slow down enough to go to sleep. I worried that I had passed this down to her, knowing how difficult it can be to have a brain that sometimes won't shut down long enough to have restful sleep and how much that can impact her ability to relax. It certainly allows you to be more productive but you certainly pay the price down the road. I hope that it's simply that the experience of being in a new environment with so many different things going on was a lot for a 6 week old little brain to handle. We survived the night and had a pretty good day today, except for the challenge of multi-tasking this evening (breastfeeding, putting her to sleep, and grading midterms-simultaneously in the dark). I even had to use my big toe to turn down the brightness on my laptop's keyboard since I didn't have a free hand! Certainly this week, and the past 6 weeks, have made me think about the things in my life for which I am grateful and made me realize that all of the other stuff is not that important. I even came up with a list as I sat in the dark: 1. Amara 2. Supportive husband, family, and friends 3. Sleep 4. A good latch (breastfeeding moms can really appreciate this) 5. The book What to Expect the First Year-thank you Fern! 6. All mothers who were honest with me about their first couple of months-I know I'm not alone 7. My pledge process-a different type of hazing but I'm certainly more prepared than most 8. All products made by Medela (again-breastfeeding moms can appreciate this) 9. Smoothie pacifier by Avent (This is what my breasts are thankful for; we waited until 4 weeks to introduce it and boy does it make a difference) 10. Long toes-not only to type but also to pick stuff up when I have a wiggly baby in my arms (FYI-I do clean the stuff off after picking it up!)