A week of thanks

It's almost 6 am and I just finished breastfeeding. I couldn't really go back to sleep so I decided to write. Perhaps it's the fact that, despite AAP recommendations, I have Amara lieing next to me and her little jerks and conversations in her sleep prevent me from doing so or it could be that the thoughts racing in my mind over the past week are driving me to stay awake. As I sit here in her nursery (someone might as well use it since she spends all of her time in our room), I am reflecting back on the last week and, although I am very thankful that it was a shortened week, I have enjoyed the challenges and great moments each day brought. Amara and I enjoyed our first walk together, we celebrated her first Thanksgiving, and we also suffered through her first experience with overstimulation. Taking her on her first walk brought new perspective to something as simple as strolling around the neighborhood. I experienced it in a completely different way. The garbage truck driving by seemed louder, the brick-paved sidewalk seemed bumpier, and the air seemed more crisp. I found myself narrating our walk as if it was some amazing journey through an undiscovered land, describing everything that we heard and saw, trying to imagine what was being seen, smelled, felt, and heard from her perspective. I had not previously experienced such a simple walk in such vivid detail and felt like she and I were the only folks on the street, that was of course until Little Missy snapped me back into reality by letting me know that she had had enough of my talking by grunting for me to be quiet. I chuckled as I headed back home while she enjoyed a cat nap-peaking up at me every couple of minutes, realizing that, for her the experience was probably something completely different, not this deeply educational sensory-engaging experience, but a simple walk to relax her mind. Later I realized that it must have been a little more than relaxing as she refused to go down for a nap afterwards and was up for the rest of the day. Thanksgiving was an interesting experience. We were invited over to our friends' home to celebrate the holiday and gladly accepted as cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner was not a very practical use of my time, even though I gave it serious consideration. I was excited to spend time with good friends and enjoy delicious food (they can really throw down in the kitchen) but I was also hesitant, worrying about things I not previously given consideration to, like how many people would be there, would anyone have a cold, and what do I do if folks want to hold or touch her. After all, she is only 6 weeks old! Is it too soon to take her out to someone else's home? What happens if she gets cranky? What do I do if she can't handle all of the stimulation? How do I keep her on her current schedule? Oh goodness-will I have to breastfeed in a crowded room? Despite having a breastfeeding cover, it still stressed me out. I didn't want to say no, not wanting to turn down delicious food and not wanting to disappoint David, as he is the social one of the family, but at the same time considering Amara's needs and how the evening could possibly impact her. What a struggle going on inside my head! I decided to go for it and we had a great time, despite my concerns about the overstimulation she was experiencing and how we were going to pay the price later. I had a feeling that it was going to be rough as she breastfed for an unusually long period while we were there, which is what she sometimes does when she's stressed out. When we got home she could not go to sleep! A combination of walking, rocking, singing, and sitting in the dark for three hours and she finally fell asleep near 1 AM, which is so not what I wanted to happen. As we sat in the dark, waiting for her little eyes to finally close, I thought about what it must have been like for her to experience all of those new sights, sounds, and smells. New faces leaning in to see her; new hands touching her; new voices greeting her must have been a lot to deal with for such a little person. The television blaring with the game on, children running around, yelling and playing video games, loud voices reacting to the football game, and the delicious aromas coming from the kitchen were likely triggering all kinds of brain activity. I questioned my choice in going over to someone's home so early in her little life. Did I make the best decision for her or did I let other considerations supercede my maturing maternal instincts. I also though about my own challenges in quieting my brain after a hectic or stressful day (hence writing at 6 AM when I am already sleep-deprived). When I was a little girl I used to have to envision black space and following a white light through the space to keep me from thinking too much and allowing my mind to slow down enough to go to sleep. I worried that I had passed this down to her, knowing how difficult it can be to have a brain that sometimes won't shut down long enough to have restful sleep and how much that can impact her ability to relax. It certainly allows you to be more productive but you certainly pay the price down the road. I hope that it's simply that the experience of being in a new environment with so many different things going on was a lot for a 6 week old little brain to handle. We survived the night and had a pretty good day today, except for the challenge of multi-tasking this evening (breastfeeding, putting her to sleep, and grading midterms-simultaneously in the dark). I even had to use my big toe to turn down the brightness on my laptop's keyboard since I didn't have a free hand! Certainly this week, and the past 6 weeks, have made me think about the things in my life for which I am grateful and made me realize that all of the other stuff is not that important. I even came up with a list as I sat in the dark: 1. Amara 2. Supportive husband, family, and friends 3. Sleep 4. A good latch (breastfeeding moms can really appreciate this) 5. The book What to Expect the First Year-thank you Fern! 6. All mothers who were honest with me about their first couple of months-I know I'm not alone 7. My pledge process-a different type of hazing but I'm certainly more prepared than most 8. All products made by Medela (again-breastfeeding moms can appreciate this) 9. Smoothie pacifier by Avent (This is what my breasts are thankful for; we waited until 4 weeks to introduce it and boy does it make a difference) 10. Long toes-not only to type but also to pick stuff up when I have a wiggly baby in my arms (FYI-I do clean the stuff off after picking it up!)

Paternity Leave Ends

Week 6: Daddy goes back to work Day 1 So my husband David, who is also a pediatrician, went back to work today. What a day! I knew that it would be hard but not this hard. Yesterday I tried to give him as much quality time as I could with our little one given that his time with her during the week would be limited due to work. They enjoyed watching some football until Madame Fussy Fuss (her alter ego when she's gassy) showed up! Getting up throughout the night on my own was a huge challenge-watching him sleeping every time I got up was a bit difficult but it was something that I had anticipated and we had discussed during counseling. As poorly as he functioned with sleep deprivation during paternity leave, I couldn't imagine how he would do at work! Patients' lives and his job are at stake so it is certainly worth the sacrifice. It doesn't make it any easier but it's what a good wife and mother would do. The morning started off rough. As it came closer time for David to leave, I could tell that it hurt him deeply to leave. His response to having to leave made me question the doubts that I had about his excitement in becoming a father. His tears spoke volumes as to how much she means to him. Amara's usually asleep at the time that he needed to leave but, even with my attempts to put her back to sleep, she wouldn't go. It was as if she knew that her daddy had to go back to work today and she wanted to send him off. Watching him cry as he held her broke my heart. It's amazing-I think that children, even small babies, can feel those emotions because when he started crying she looked at me as if something was wrong and started crying herself. We walked him downstairs and he burped her, which is usually his middle of the night job, cried again, and finally headed out. I held it together pretty well while he was heading out but cried, first to see how hurt he was to leave, but also in thinking about when I will have to leave her in February. I know that it's only November, but time goes by so quickly. David decided that it is probably best that Amara and I go to Louisiana when he heads to Haiti next month. I can't imagine the pain he will feel when he actually has to leave her for almost 2 weeks. Once David left, I still needed to submit an abstract for work (my job didn't get the memo that I'm on maternity leave). I'm thinking that Little Mommy would go back to sleep since she stayed up past her morning nap-think again! She would not go back to sleep and breastfed every hour. I could feel myself getting frustrated because I had a deadline and it didn't make sense, at least not to me, that she needed to feed that often. I tried walking her and giving her the pacifier but nothing worked. When I felt myself getting very irritated, I put her in her bassinet and took a minute to get myself together. I thought, "God blesses you with an opportunity to love and guide and help mold a person into who they are supposed to be." I imagined Him looking down at me and shaking His head at me for allowing myself to get frustrated with her, with the blessing that I had waited years to conceive and receive. I quickly changed my attitude and got her dressed for the day. I then realized that things were as different for her as they were for David and I. The daddy person was no longer there to burp her and "Walk it Out" at night when Mommy finished breastfeeding. She really hadn't seen him since 12 hours prior. She saw that he and I were upset and likely felt the emotions. She was probably breastfeeding because she was also a bit stressed out and that was her only way of dealing with it. I felt so bad about feeling frustrated once I briefly reflected on the situation. Lesson learned! I got the abstract done and was even able to shower in the 30 minutes that she napped before my doctor's appointment, which leads me to my next stress. I go to the Ob/Gyn's office for my six week exam, only to find out that the appointment was in her other office about 30 minutes away. I had scheduled this appointment purposefully as a trial run in getting myself to a spot on time and in driving with Amara by myself. I had not planned on freeway driving, a 30 minute excursion, or the wait that would be incurred because I missed my appointment slot by the time I got there. I also had not packed the diaper bag for such an excursion. I thought to reschedule but the wait time for the appointment would have likely taken me next year to see her. I decided to woman up and head over to Greenbelt. A 15 minute drive plus 45-60 minutes at the doctor's was all that we were prepared to handle. Instead, it was an hour in the car (back and forth), an hour and 1/2 wait for the doctor, and a power outage while waiting in my shirt and paper skirt. Did I mention that Amara got so frustrated in her car seat that she cried and scratched her little face? I was really pissed at that point and ready to cry because I should have clipped her nails yesterday, which is something that David and I have done together. In between him preparing to go back to work and me trying to get two abstracts submitted, we failed to do it and she eneded up paying the cost. I guess this is my first lesson in prioritizing my child over everything else. It will not happen again! She comes first! She did exceptionally well at the doctor's office and didn't fuss until it was time to leave because she doesn't like being confined in the car seat. She cried so hard that she lost her breath. I would have lost my mind had it not been for the fact that I was on the phone with my mom at the time. It truly broke my heart to see and hear her crying that hard and that the best thing for her was for me to continue driving until we got home. It was her first time being in the back seat without me. Even typing it now makes me cry. Who knew that something as simple as where I sat for the past 6 weeks could be so important. I guess it is something that we both have to get over if we're ever going to go anywhere else by ourselves. My mom and aunt told me that it gets better and that we should go out on little excursions everyday so that both of us get used to it. It's funny that they said that because I was simultaneously thinking that we would never leave the house again unless I was in the back seat! Now we're at home and, after some serious skin-to-skin time, she's napping and I'm crying, reflecting, and writing. Day 1 of Amara and I on maternity leave-completed!

Introductions!

Hello everyone. Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Yolandra, also known as DeltaDoc, and I am a pediatrician in Washington, DC. After over 1 year of trying, my husband and I just recently had our first child. As I progress through motherhood, it amazes me how much medical school did not prepare me for the realities of pregnancy, labor/delivery, and motherhood. Although I am a pediatrician, we had to learn about obstetrics and embryology-one of my most exciting rotations was the Ob/Gyn rotation where I was able to assist in bringing new life into the world. It was an absolutely amazing experience but did nothing in terms of preparing me for pregnancy, labor/delivery, and the peripartum period. Training to become and then working as a pediatrician did about the same in preparing me for motherhood. I decided to start this blog while on maternity leave in order to chronicle the joys, pains, successess, and failures in my journey through motherhood. Hopefully, lessons will be learned and laughs will be shared as I post the adventures of my journey!