Week 9: Little Mommy's First Trip

David was heading out to Haiti for work so I decided to spend the time with my family in Louisiana because I was too scared to go it alone for two weeks. Nervous was not the word to describe how I felt embarking upon my and Amara's first out-of-state excursion. The longest we've traveled has been about 30 minutes away from the house. The thought of an airplane ride with a two month old gave me waves of stomach upset. Questions kept flooding my mind as the date approached. What should I put in the diaper bag? How would she handle the ride? Would her ears be OK with taking off and landing? How would breastfeeding work on the plane? What if she started crying? What if someone on the plane next to us had a cough? How do I change a diaper on the plane? What if she blows out her pamper? What happens if I have to go to the bathroom? How do I put my carry-on bag in the overhead compartment with a baby strapped to my chest? How do I access the bag in the middle of the flight? What if she's "that baby"-the one that cries throughout the entire flight? What happens if her ears start hurting? What happens if she gets a fever since she just got her 2 month shots two days before traveling? ? How will she adjust to being away from home? Would it be better for me to just tough it out by myself so that she doesn't have to travel? All of these (and more) crossed my mind over and over again. I booked non-stop tickets to make it easier for both of us. I searched numerous websites to get answers to most of the questions. I even bought several "change friendly" outfits and started packing for her several days in advance but nothing could prepare me for the anxiety that I experienced taking her out of our safe relatively germ-free home and into a busy airport and then into an airplane with recirculated air. I nearly had an anxiety attack as we approached the airport. I found myself queasy and short of breath just thinking about all of the possible scenarios that could go wrong. I was so nervous going through security that my hands were shaking and my palms were sweaty, which doesn't work well going through the security checkpoint where they require a hand swab since I was carrying a baby. The TSA guy actually asked me why I was so nervous! When I told him that I was traveling with my daughter for the first time, he told me that I was doing a great job and to relax. I took a deep breath and did just that! As soon as I did, I heard a voice yell out, "Baby!" David had returned to the security checkpoint to see us off, risking missing his own flight to Haiti at Reagan National two hours later. The TSA worker's words and David's presence gave me the boost I needed to just enjoy the experience. I prayed out loud as I walked to the gate, thanking God that He had already blessed the trip. Once we got to the gate, I made sure to pay attention to everyone waiting to board. I needed to check out who was coughing, sneezing, or just looked sickly so that I could avoid sitting next to them on the plane. Little did I know that there were only 30 people on the flight so Amara and I got an entire section of the plane to ourselves. I still paid attention to where the white-haired gentleman with the hacking cough sat but the plane was so empty that it really didn't matter. Amara did wonderfully, sleeping through about half of the flight and enjoying the other half looking around and talking to me. The only time that she cried was when I needed to put her back in the carrier to get off of the plane. She was absolutely amazing! She is truly a remarkable baby and I felf bad for selling her short in worrying so much about how she would handle traveling. I didn't think that one could feel admiration for such a tiny person but I do! I admire how well she adapts and how curious she is about her environment. She didn't get fussy about her schedule being interrupted or about being in a foreign environment. I really am learning a lot from this little one in how to take it all in stride. I am also developing a new-found appreciation for all of the mothers out there who have had to travel with little ones. I apologize to everyone to whom I gave the "side-eye" or "stank face" to when I saw you coming down the aisle with your kids, secretly praying that you didn't sit next to me. I now appreciate all that went into getting the little ones ready to travel and the mental stamina that it takes to get them on the plane and to keep them occupied.

Week 8

It's been a while since my last post. Yay rural America for the lack of consistent internet access! Week 8: Two month shots This week marks two significant parenting and pediatric milestones: 1. This is the last week that she will be referred to in weeks 2. Little Mommy and I survived her first set of shots. It brought tears to my eyes as we approached her 2 month birthday, as it indicated a new phase in her life and the half-way point of my maternity leave. She will no longer be referred to as being (_) weeks old. She has now transitioned into months. Wow! 2 months old already, which means that my maternity leave is at the half-way mark. I am so not ready to go back to work-I doubt that I ever will be "ready" to go back. The thought of it brings me to tears every single time. I really hope that it becomes easier as the date quickly approaches. I guess there are some women out there who are eager to get back to work and, prior to her being born, I would have bet that I would have been one of them, but I'm not. I dread leaving her with someone else. I already lament over the milestones that I may miss while taking care of other folks' kids. I'm already envious of moms who get to stay at home and enjoy all of their little ones' firsts when they first occur, not having to hear about it from the nanny or the daycare provider. These are fleeting thoughts, as I want to focus on enjoying the time that I have left with her, but the time is going by so fast that February will be here before I know it. Milestone 2: 2 month vaccines-I never really understood how one person could suffer from another's pain until I experienced her receiving her first set of vaccines. I tried my best to prepare both of us for them, describing to her what would happen and that I would be right there with her. I even went so far as to try ordering the combination vaccines myself since her pediatrician did not offer them as the combo vaccines are not as readily available to privately insured patients as they are to Medicaid patients. I was really frustrated about this-as much as I support some of my salary going towards providing care to underserved children, the children to which I provide care when not on maternity leave, I still don't understand why my child, who is privately insured, can't enjoy the same benefit of having less pokes. She will end up geting 2 additonal pokes at almost each of her well baby visits due to politics, capitolism, and collective bargaining. How is that fair!!! My efforts to get the combination vaccine proved futile as the cost of ordering each individual vaccine made me understand why most private pediatricians don't offer it-they can't afford it!!! I even prescribed and applied EMLA, a numbing cream for her legs, thinking that I could save her from the pain of shots. Between the challenges of applying the cream the cream solo on some very wiggly legs and the numbing effect wearing off 3 hours after the shots, it made me wonder if I should have just let her get through the pain right when she got the shots. Instead, she had to relive the painful experience all over again when the pain started that evening. She handled the shots fairly well, crying with each poke for a little bit and then calming down a few minutes after she got them. We were even able to make it up to DC for me to get some stuff done for my medical license and for me to stop off so that some of my coworkers could see her. We were out and about for about 2 hours after she got her shots and she was asleep the entire time! I was so relieved-the EMLA worked! I had successfully avoided her experiencing significant pain, or so I thought. By the time we got home and she awoke from her nap about 3 hours after she got the shots, she began crying in pain like I've never heard before. Every time she moved her little chubby legs, she would cry so hard that I thought that she would lose her breath. She would calm down for a minute and then try to move her legs again, not realizing that moving her legs created more pain. The look on her face combined with her intermittent wailing and attempts to catch her breath literally broke my heart. I felt so helpless because nothing I did would console her. My mom called in the middle of it just to check in to see how she was doing-apparently maternal instinct extends to grandchildren because she somehow knew just when to call. She suggested that I put cool compresses on her legs but every time I tried to come close to her little legs, she would draw them up to her body, which caused her even more pain. It took everything in me not to break down crying too. I tried so hard not to burst into tears because I didn't want to stress her out any more than she already was. I tried to hold it together and figure out what to do because putting anything on those cute chubby thighs was not an option. After a dose of Tylenol and me stripping us both down to do some skin-to-skin, she finally calmed down. Once she let out a quiet little sigh of exhaustion, I finally allowed myself to cry. Tears rolled down my face and onto her little back as I thought about how bad I felt that I couldn't do anything to avoid her experiencing pain. I thought about all of the families I counseled to, "Just give them a little Tylenol, they should be ok by the time you get home." I had even had the audacity to tell families that their little ones don't really feel more pain after the first couple of shots so they should feel comfortable in their children getting several at a time. I laughed out loud a little bit at how riiculous that all sounded in that moment. I apologize to all the parents with whom I've shared this ridiculous advice. I have NEVER even considered what parents go through the evening after their children get shots, not even when I was on call and got parent calls about children being uncomfortable or fussy after shots. I always thought, "How bad could it be? It's just a couple of shots." That was until this week and 2 hours of continous wailing. My pediatric training did neither prepared me to really understand what parents go through after situations like this nor did it prepare me to be the parent going through such a difficult time. I fully support vaccinating children, but my little one's cries of pain and discomfort really had me second-guessing my decision. This doesn't mean that she won't get her shots, she will not be one of those children. However, I am going into the situation with eyes wide-open and will be better emotionally prepared. I will also be applying more EMLA and trying to join in the collective bargaining processes to get her a couple of those combination vaccines! I know that I can't avoid her experiencing pain, it is obviously a part of life, but best believe that i will do everything in my power to minimize how much she has to feel.

Week 7: She's growing up so quickly

We survived our first full week with David back at work! The week went very well, with the exception of Monday's emotional breakdown. It started with work requests of my time. I don't think that the folks at the university got the memo that I'm on maternity leave. I did what was needed and then, already frustrated, headed out to DC to take care of some stuff for my medical license. Flash forward almost 2 hours later, I'm lost, trying not to let the volcano of emotions that I'm feeling erupt in the car because, despite our extended trip, my little one was still asleep and I didn't want to wake and upset her. So I cried silently, despising the District of Columbia and its insane street lay-out. Little mommy didn't get fussy until we were about 5 minutes away from the house. Thank you Jesus! Unfortunately, all of that suppressed rage got my mind going and I fought being in a funk all day. I found myself questioning why I lived out here, wishing I was back in either California or Louisiana, where streets don't change names and then change back within blocks of each other. I questioned myself as a mom, wondering why I didn't Google map the location again before leaving so that I knew what the building looked like, thereby allowing me to stay within the 1 1/2 hour window that I had given her breastfeeding schedule. I even let issues between my husband and I creep into my head. As I battled all of this stuff in my mind and intermittently wept throughout the day, I kept looking at her and being reminded that this was all just such small stuff compared to spending time with her. I realized that I shouldn't waste it moping around the house because of insensitive people or a jacked up city lay-out. I kept my internal turmoil to myself when David got home, although I couldn't hide the occasional tears that came as I battled with myself. Later on, I thought about how challenging last Monday was compared to this week and actually laughed at myself for being so upset. I can see now that last week prepared me for this week. I didn't even think about this being my first full week with the baby until this moment. Reflecting on last week also made me think about my life in general and how things have never come easily for me. I'm not saying that to complain but to appreciate that I would not have a testimony without the many tests that I've gone through. Each test that God has put in my path has prepared me for the next challenge and made me stronger. From being raised in a single parent household with a teenage mom and surviving some pretty significant life events to successfully completing medical school and getting married and having a family has been quite a journey. Each and every obstacle along the way was put in place to strengthen me and to help me prepare for the next phase. Of course, I don't have this epiphany in the middle of it (hence the tears this Monday) but I can usually get there once I've pushed through the situation. Talking to my cousin (thank you Draeh) and my Sands (thank you Jacquie) really helped me understand that these emotional roller coaster rides are still part of the post-partum experience. Again, so not prepared! No one mentioned anything about the "Fourth Trimester" in medical school! The other realization that I had this week is that my little one is growing up so fast. I can't believe that she is almost 2 months old. As I sit in bed watching her sleep, it gives me pause to see how quickly she's growing, both in size and in development. She now fits the full length of her bassinet, which is amazing because when we first brought her home, she looked like she was floating in it because she was so tiny. Now her little legs bend in her rocker/sleeper when just a few weeks ago it looked like the rocker was swallowing her up. I cried a little this morning to realize that I no longer need to support her little head to breastfeed on the breastfeeding pillow, her first sign of independence I guess, and that her little body now extends the full length of the pillow. Of course, she gave me reason to laugh in the middle of my moment as she pulled away from my breast like she had just finished the best milkshake she ever had, with this big gummy grin with both of her hands raised in the air as if she just signaled a touchdown. Developmentally, she is advancing so quickly. I am certain that all parents believe that their child is the smartest most advanced child to ever be born. I see it every day and never question parents who tell me that their child said his or her first word at 4 months or that their child started walking at 7 months. I usually just chuckle to myself and go on with the visit. However, I am convinced that this child is brilliant! She's the only baby I've heard of who attempted to milk her mommy when the milk hadn't come in yet. She literally pulled back on the nipple while pressing my breast with both hands. It would have been funny had I not been so upset about my empty boobies. Each week she has done something else that makes me wonder if she's been here before. At 2 weeks, she started shimmying down my chest and shifting her weight to either side in order to fall in the fold of my arm when I would put her on my shoulder to be burped. I know it sounds crazy-so I had my husband videotape it just in case our pediatrician gave me the look that I usually give my parents when they tell me outlandish developmental tales! This week, instead of crying when she's awake and hungry, she just looks at my chest, then back up at me, and starts making her breastfeeding requests in grunts and grins. I have found myself negotiating with her when I need to delay her feedings, either to give her medicine or because it's too early. She gives me the funniest look-a raised left eyebrow, which has historically been my signature look, when her request has been denied. Yesterday, while she was sleeping next to me, I looked down and her little legs were crossed over each other and her hand was up at her forehead,like she was a big girl recovering from a stressful day. I almost laughed out loud to see such a little person in such a big person pose. She is just too funny! She's also more expressive, developing more ways to express herself. Now she makes this little noise, "Aya" when I am away from her or she's trying to get my attention, at least that's what I think she's doing. Let me tell it, the child is already ready for flashcards and sign language lessons! Appreciating the changes that I am seeing makes me so happy that I have this time to spend with her and already makes me sad about having to go back to work. I keep reminding myself that I still have over two months, but, seeing how quickly the first two have passed, that's not a whole lot of time. On that note, I think I'll stop as the thought of leaving her is bringing me to tears.