6 months go by quickly!

I did it! After months of not wanting to face it, I finally did it! I just finished packing up Little Mommy's 0-3 month clothes. Who knew that it would be so emotional. Let me stop lying-I knew it! Every time I got ready to pack up her first months' clothes, a knot rose in my throat and I became tearful, knowing that I did not want to face the challenge of packing away her first set of clothes. I can remember almost every outfit and when she wore it as I fold up these tiny clothes, reflecting back on the past 6 months. Folks weren't lying when they said the time goes by incredibly fast. It's amazing to think that she was so tiny as I'm looking at her chubby little legs now. I can't believe that my little 6 pound, 5 ounce baby is now almost twenty pounds, sitting up, and even attempting to pull up on her own. I feel so conflicted crying as I pack up her clothes as we prepare space for her new outfits, knowing that there are numerous parents who never get the opportunity to see their little ones transition to a new phase in life. I am so grateful that she is healthy and continues to grow and develop but there is a little pang in my heart knowing that she will never be this tiny again, that this phase of her childhood is only a memory. Looking back at the outfit in which we brought her home brings back clear memories of the day that she was born, the time in the hospital, and the day that we went home. It makes me sad to know that this part of her infancy is gone but makes me happy to know that we've come so incredibly far. I think back on the significant struggles that we had in the beginning with her losing weight, her bouts of gas and milk protein allergies, and her difficulties falling and staying asleep. I think about how hard and frustrating breastfeeding was at the beginning and how we worked as a team to make it a success. I chuckle at the fact that she was so determined to breastfeed that she darn near milked my breasts with her tiny little hands. Now breastfeeding is a breeze for the both of us and I am immensely appreciative of the time with her as only a mother and baby can share. I recently read a blog on Huffington Post about a baby who self-weaned off of the breast at 18 months and how emotionally difficult it was for the mother, as she realized that she would never get those moments back with her baby. She didn't even have time to get her mind and heart ready for the process as her little one made the decision that she didn't need the booby anymore. I found myself heartbroken for her and could only imagine how emotional I would be and will be when the time comes as it certainly will. As I pack up her little baby booties and her tiny little caps, I imagine that I will be even more emotional than I am now as another chapter closes and another opens in her life. I know that each time I pack up a new set of clothes, it is a sign that she is growing and continuing to become the little girl that God intended her to be. That's what my mind tells me. My heart tells me that time is going by so quickly and before I know it, she'll be walking, talking, and this phase in her life will be a distant memory.

Week 16: It's Almost Over

February 1, 2013...I have never been so sad to see a new month come in. It is with a very heavy heart that I welcome this new month as it marks the month in which life goes back to "normal" or to my new normal as I go back to work in 10 days. Wow-less than 2 weeks to go and I still can't imagine leaving her with anyone else. I ache in the pit of my stomach and my heart hurts thinking about not being with her all day, every day. I know that I should be grateful for the 16 weeks that I have had with her, especially when others have had to return to work in 6 weeks, but my heart is not listening to what my mind keeps trying to communicate. I just wrote out a list of instructions for our caregiver, including the litte nuances about rubbing her tummy as she is falling asleep or singing the "Pee Pee" song when she gets her pamper changed. I worry about how well she will be able to do all that I have listed. I know that she can't replace me but I want Little Mommy to be as comfortable as possible and not have to adjust too drastically to the changes resulting from her mommy being a career woman. I'm sure that she will be just fine-she has adjusted amazingly well to any situations that have presented themselves thus far. She is continuously complimented on her pleasant disposition and wonderful personality. Each time that I have worried about her ability to deal with new situations, she has repeatedly shown me that she can thrive in any environment. It will definitely be me who has the difficulty time adjusting. I am sure that there will be numerous occasions on February 11th and beyond when I break out in tears at work because I miss her so much. A co-worker recommended bringing in pictures to help in the adjustment but pictures can't give me sloppy wet open-mouthed kisses on my cheek, as she just started doing last week. I can't watch pictures sleep comfortably in my arms and nuzzle against my chest. I can't watch a picture achieve her developmental milestones for the first time. A friend mentioned that my daughter will now look forward to me coming home and I get to appreciate the joy of her being excited to see me. I just listened and chuckled to myself because Little Mommy is already excited to see me every time she wakes up. I don't need to leave her for 8 hours to experience this joy. Other mothers before me have had to leave their little ones with caregivers, including my own, and I'm sure that we will both be just fine, I'm just not looking forward to the adjustment. Not so long ago, no one could have convinced me that I would love someone so much that I'd be willing to give up my career to be with them. I always imagined how a child would fit into my career. Now I'm trying to figure out how my career will fit into my role as a mother. My, my, my-how my priorities have changed. Thankfully, I chose to come to Louisiana for these last few days as David is in Haiti. I get to spend undistracted time with her while getting the support of my family. I can rely on my mother to get my daughter adjusted to the bottle and get emotional support from all of my ya-yas (the women of my family) in helping me get mentally and emotionally prepared to return to work. Mommy and I took Little Mommy down to the French Quarter today so that we could check out the Superbowl festivities and introduce her to New Orleans. She was so enthralled with all of the sights, sounds, and smells surrounding her. It was so cute to watch her as she experienced all of this for the first time. She couldn't eat because she was so busy looking around and taking it all in. She got so upset when I put her under the breastfeeding cover and kept trying to pull it back or kick it off. She finally decided that sightseeing was more important than eating and fussed until I stopped feeding her and removed the cover so that she could see all of the sights again. This was a fantastic way to wrap up maternity leave, spending it with the strong women in my family and enjoying the comfort of being back home. This trip has certainly helped me get my mind right to return to work. We'll see how it goes!