Week 8

It's been a while since my last post. Yay rural America for the lack of consistent internet access! Week 8: Two month shots This week marks two significant parenting and pediatric milestones: 1. This is the last week that she will be referred to in weeks 2. Little Mommy and I survived her first set of shots. It brought tears to my eyes as we approached her 2 month birthday, as it indicated a new phase in her life and the half-way point of my maternity leave. She will no longer be referred to as being (_) weeks old. She has now transitioned into months. Wow! 2 months old already, which means that my maternity leave is at the half-way mark. I am so not ready to go back to work-I doubt that I ever will be "ready" to go back. The thought of it brings me to tears every single time. I really hope that it becomes easier as the date quickly approaches. I guess there are some women out there who are eager to get back to work and, prior to her being born, I would have bet that I would have been one of them, but I'm not. I dread leaving her with someone else. I already lament over the milestones that I may miss while taking care of other folks' kids. I'm already envious of moms who get to stay at home and enjoy all of their little ones' firsts when they first occur, not having to hear about it from the nanny or the daycare provider. These are fleeting thoughts, as I want to focus on enjoying the time that I have left with her, but the time is going by so fast that February will be here before I know it. Milestone 2: 2 month vaccines-I never really understood how one person could suffer from another's pain until I experienced her receiving her first set of vaccines. I tried my best to prepare both of us for them, describing to her what would happen and that I would be right there with her. I even went so far as to try ordering the combination vaccines myself since her pediatrician did not offer them as the combo vaccines are not as readily available to privately insured patients as they are to Medicaid patients. I was really frustrated about this-as much as I support some of my salary going towards providing care to underserved children, the children to which I provide care when not on maternity leave, I still don't understand why my child, who is privately insured, can't enjoy the same benefit of having less pokes. She will end up geting 2 additonal pokes at almost each of her well baby visits due to politics, capitolism, and collective bargaining. How is that fair!!! My efforts to get the combination vaccine proved futile as the cost of ordering each individual vaccine made me understand why most private pediatricians don't offer it-they can't afford it!!! I even prescribed and applied EMLA, a numbing cream for her legs, thinking that I could save her from the pain of shots. Between the challenges of applying the cream the cream solo on some very wiggly legs and the numbing effect wearing off 3 hours after the shots, it made me wonder if I should have just let her get through the pain right when she got the shots. Instead, she had to relive the painful experience all over again when the pain started that evening. She handled the shots fairly well, crying with each poke for a little bit and then calming down a few minutes after she got them. We were even able to make it up to DC for me to get some stuff done for my medical license and for me to stop off so that some of my coworkers could see her. We were out and about for about 2 hours after she got her shots and she was asleep the entire time! I was so relieved-the EMLA worked! I had successfully avoided her experiencing significant pain, or so I thought. By the time we got home and she awoke from her nap about 3 hours after she got the shots, she began crying in pain like I've never heard before. Every time she moved her little chubby legs, she would cry so hard that I thought that she would lose her breath. She would calm down for a minute and then try to move her legs again, not realizing that moving her legs created more pain. The look on her face combined with her intermittent wailing and attempts to catch her breath literally broke my heart. I felt so helpless because nothing I did would console her. My mom called in the middle of it just to check in to see how she was doing-apparently maternal instinct extends to grandchildren because she somehow knew just when to call. She suggested that I put cool compresses on her legs but every time I tried to come close to her little legs, she would draw them up to her body, which caused her even more pain. It took everything in me not to break down crying too. I tried so hard not to burst into tears because I didn't want to stress her out any more than she already was. I tried to hold it together and figure out what to do because putting anything on those cute chubby thighs was not an option. After a dose of Tylenol and me stripping us both down to do some skin-to-skin, she finally calmed down. Once she let out a quiet little sigh of exhaustion, I finally allowed myself to cry. Tears rolled down my face and onto her little back as I thought about how bad I felt that I couldn't do anything to avoid her experiencing pain. I thought about all of the families I counseled to, "Just give them a little Tylenol, they should be ok by the time you get home." I had even had the audacity to tell families that their little ones don't really feel more pain after the first couple of shots so they should feel comfortable in their children getting several at a time. I laughed out loud a little bit at how riiculous that all sounded in that moment. I apologize to all the parents with whom I've shared this ridiculous advice. I have NEVER even considered what parents go through the evening after their children get shots, not even when I was on call and got parent calls about children being uncomfortable or fussy after shots. I always thought, "How bad could it be? It's just a couple of shots." That was until this week and 2 hours of continous wailing. My pediatric training did neither prepared me to really understand what parents go through after situations like this nor did it prepare me to be the parent going through such a difficult time. I fully support vaccinating children, but my little one's cries of pain and discomfort really had me second-guessing my decision. This doesn't mean that she won't get her shots, she will not be one of those children. However, I am going into the situation with eyes wide-open and will be better emotionally prepared. I will also be applying more EMLA and trying to join in the collective bargaining processes to get her a couple of those combination vaccines! I know that I can't avoid her experiencing pain, it is obviously a part of life, but best believe that i will do everything in my power to minimize how much she has to feel.