Paternity Leave Ends

Week 6: Daddy goes back to work Day 1 So my husband David, who is also a pediatrician, went back to work today. What a day! I knew that it would be hard but not this hard. Yesterday I tried to give him as much quality time as I could with our little one given that his time with her during the week would be limited due to work. They enjoyed watching some football until Madame Fussy Fuss (her alter ego when she's gassy) showed up! Getting up throughout the night on my own was a huge challenge-watching him sleeping every time I got up was a bit difficult but it was something that I had anticipated and we had discussed during counseling. As poorly as he functioned with sleep deprivation during paternity leave, I couldn't imagine how he would do at work! Patients' lives and his job are at stake so it is certainly worth the sacrifice. It doesn't make it any easier but it's what a good wife and mother would do. The morning started off rough. As it came closer time for David to leave, I could tell that it hurt him deeply to leave. His response to having to leave made me question the doubts that I had about his excitement in becoming a father. His tears spoke volumes as to how much she means to him. Amara's usually asleep at the time that he needed to leave but, even with my attempts to put her back to sleep, she wouldn't go. It was as if she knew that her daddy had to go back to work today and she wanted to send him off. Watching him cry as he held her broke my heart. It's amazing-I think that children, even small babies, can feel those emotions because when he started crying she looked at me as if something was wrong and started crying herself. We walked him downstairs and he burped her, which is usually his middle of the night job, cried again, and finally headed out. I held it together pretty well while he was heading out but cried, first to see how hurt he was to leave, but also in thinking about when I will have to leave her in February. I know that it's only November, but time goes by so quickly. David decided that it is probably best that Amara and I go to Louisiana when he heads to Haiti next month. I can't imagine the pain he will feel when he actually has to leave her for almost 2 weeks. Once David left, I still needed to submit an abstract for work (my job didn't get the memo that I'm on maternity leave). I'm thinking that Little Mommy would go back to sleep since she stayed up past her morning nap-think again! She would not go back to sleep and breastfed every hour. I could feel myself getting frustrated because I had a deadline and it didn't make sense, at least not to me, that she needed to feed that often. I tried walking her and giving her the pacifier but nothing worked. When I felt myself getting very irritated, I put her in her bassinet and took a minute to get myself together. I thought, "God blesses you with an opportunity to love and guide and help mold a person into who they are supposed to be." I imagined Him looking down at me and shaking His head at me for allowing myself to get frustrated with her, with the blessing that I had waited years to conceive and receive. I quickly changed my attitude and got her dressed for the day. I then realized that things were as different for her as they were for David and I. The daddy person was no longer there to burp her and "Walk it Out" at night when Mommy finished breastfeeding. She really hadn't seen him since 12 hours prior. She saw that he and I were upset and likely felt the emotions. She was probably breastfeeding because she was also a bit stressed out and that was her only way of dealing with it. I felt so bad about feeling frustrated once I briefly reflected on the situation. Lesson learned! I got the abstract done and was even able to shower in the 30 minutes that she napped before my doctor's appointment, which leads me to my next stress. I go to the Ob/Gyn's office for my six week exam, only to find out that the appointment was in her other office about 30 minutes away. I had scheduled this appointment purposefully as a trial run in getting myself to a spot on time and in driving with Amara by myself. I had not planned on freeway driving, a 30 minute excursion, or the wait that would be incurred because I missed my appointment slot by the time I got there. I also had not packed the diaper bag for such an excursion. I thought to reschedule but the wait time for the appointment would have likely taken me next year to see her. I decided to woman up and head over to Greenbelt. A 15 minute drive plus 45-60 minutes at the doctor's was all that we were prepared to handle. Instead, it was an hour in the car (back and forth), an hour and 1/2 wait for the doctor, and a power outage while waiting in my shirt and paper skirt. Did I mention that Amara got so frustrated in her car seat that she cried and scratched her little face? I was really pissed at that point and ready to cry because I should have clipped her nails yesterday, which is something that David and I have done together. In between him preparing to go back to work and me trying to get two abstracts submitted, we failed to do it and she eneded up paying the cost. I guess this is my first lesson in prioritizing my child over everything else. It will not happen again! She comes first! She did exceptionally well at the doctor's office and didn't fuss until it was time to leave because she doesn't like being confined in the car seat. She cried so hard that she lost her breath. I would have lost my mind had it not been for the fact that I was on the phone with my mom at the time. It truly broke my heart to see and hear her crying that hard and that the best thing for her was for me to continue driving until we got home. It was her first time being in the back seat without me. Even typing it now makes me cry. Who knew that something as simple as where I sat for the past 6 weeks could be so important. I guess it is something that we both have to get over if we're ever going to go anywhere else by ourselves. My mom and aunt told me that it gets better and that we should go out on little excursions everyday so that both of us get used to it. It's funny that they said that because I was simultaneously thinking that we would never leave the house again unless I was in the back seat! Now we're at home and, after some serious skin-to-skin time, she's napping and I'm crying, reflecting, and writing. Day 1 of Amara and I on maternity leave-completed!