Week 16: It's Almost Over

February 1, 2013...I have never been so sad to see a new month come in. It is with a very heavy heart that I welcome this new month as it marks the month in which life goes back to "normal" or to my new normal as I go back to work in 10 days. Wow-less than 2 weeks to go and I still can't imagine leaving her with anyone else. I ache in the pit of my stomach and my heart hurts thinking about not being with her all day, every day. I know that I should be grateful for the 16 weeks that I have had with her, especially when others have had to return to work in 6 weeks, but my heart is not listening to what my mind keeps trying to communicate. I just wrote out a list of instructions for our caregiver, including the litte nuances about rubbing her tummy as she is falling asleep or singing the "Pee Pee" song when she gets her pamper changed. I worry about how well she will be able to do all that I have listed. I know that she can't replace me but I want Little Mommy to be as comfortable as possible and not have to adjust too drastically to the changes resulting from her mommy being a career woman. I'm sure that she will be just fine-she has adjusted amazingly well to any situations that have presented themselves thus far. She is continuously complimented on her pleasant disposition and wonderful personality. Each time that I have worried about her ability to deal with new situations, she has repeatedly shown me that she can thrive in any environment. It will definitely be me who has the difficulty time adjusting. I am sure that there will be numerous occasions on February 11th and beyond when I break out in tears at work because I miss her so much. A co-worker recommended bringing in pictures to help in the adjustment but pictures can't give me sloppy wet open-mouthed kisses on my cheek, as she just started doing last week. I can't watch pictures sleep comfortably in my arms and nuzzle against my chest. I can't watch a picture achieve her developmental milestones for the first time. A friend mentioned that my daughter will now look forward to me coming home and I get to appreciate the joy of her being excited to see me. I just listened and chuckled to myself because Little Mommy is already excited to see me every time she wakes up. I don't need to leave her for 8 hours to experience this joy. Other mothers before me have had to leave their little ones with caregivers, including my own, and I'm sure that we will both be just fine, I'm just not looking forward to the adjustment. Not so long ago, no one could have convinced me that I would love someone so much that I'd be willing to give up my career to be with them. I always imagined how a child would fit into my career. Now I'm trying to figure out how my career will fit into my role as a mother. My, my, my-how my priorities have changed. Thankfully, I chose to come to Louisiana for these last few days as David is in Haiti. I get to spend undistracted time with her while getting the support of my family. I can rely on my mother to get my daughter adjusted to the bottle and get emotional support from all of my ya-yas (the women of my family) in helping me get mentally and emotionally prepared to return to work. Mommy and I took Little Mommy down to the French Quarter today so that we could check out the Superbowl festivities and introduce her to New Orleans. She was so enthralled with all of the sights, sounds, and smells surrounding her. It was so cute to watch her as she experienced all of this for the first time. She couldn't eat because she was so busy looking around and taking it all in. She got so upset when I put her under the breastfeeding cover and kept trying to pull it back or kick it off. She finally decided that sightseeing was more important than eating and fussed until I stopped feeding her and removed the cover so that she could see all of the sights again. This was a fantastic way to wrap up maternity leave, spending it with the strong women in my family and enjoying the comfort of being back home. This trip has certainly helped me get my mind right to return to work. We'll see how it goes!